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View Full Version : Most retarded ways in which you've hurt yourself, redux

TK
02-14-2006, 04:40 PM
I started this thread way back in the day at the Sanctuary, I believe. I thought it would be nice to take a painful trip down memory lane...

1. When I was 8, I got a shiny new Huffy one-speed for my birthday, fully assembled and ready to become my make-believe Evel Kneivel-style dirt jumpin' bike! I jumped on the banana seat, ignoring my mother's admonishment to put shoes on, and happily pedaled away. What the heck does she know? :dopey: I know what I'm doing, ma! :rolleyes: I'm a man now! I can ride barefoot if I damn well please! :rolleyes:

So, I'm riding arounf and decide to take my hog up some random driveway and onto the random patio attached to it. On this random patio was steps leading up to the side door of the house. Anyway, I got real close to the steps, and decided to look down to make sure I was gonna clear them. That's when I got a great bird's eye view of my pinky toe catching on the corner of the steps and bending straight backwards! I don't remember the bike ride home, but I'm pretty sure there was crying and snotbubbles involved.

2. When I was 12, I went with a frined and his family to Canada on a fishing/camping trip. I had no idea that I hated camping until I went. After a day there, I realized that I reeeeeally sucked at fishing (apparently there's patience involved), and if you really suck at fishing, you're pretty much screwed, unless you like to look at trees. Which I found out I didn't. :disappointed:

So one day, my frined and his dad went fishing by themselves and his mom and I stayed back at the campsight. I got bored of staring at the fire after about a minute, and nearly panicked, knowing there was nothing else to do for the rest of the day.

That's when my eyes happened upon the hatchet, and a whole new world of possiblities suddenly opened up! :hyper:

I grabbed it and headed off to teach some saplings a lesson, ignoring my frined's mom's admonishment to be careful with that thing. Please. :rolleyes: I'm a man! I know what I'm doing! :rolleyes:

I found a nice patch of baby trees and started hacking away. The blade was dull, so I really had to swing it to cut through them. After about 5 killings, I thirsted for more carnage. I found a bigger sapling and began hacking away at it. It proved to be a formidable foe. After about 10 whacks, it barely clung to dear life. After 10 more, it still stood, tantalizingly close to fropping. 8 more whacks, I still couldn't break through. 5 more. :mad: 3 more. :madani:

Now frustrated and on a mission to send this stupid tree to an early grave, I mightily wound up, aimed, and uncoiled my fury!!!@#

Only the blade never found it's mark. It landed about three feet short...IN THE BACK OF MY FREAKING HAID!!!@#

I pulled it out as quick as I could, before the tears could flow and the pain could set in, and looked around. My frined's mom was looking at me from her seat at the fire. She had a puzzled look on her face, and I immediately could tell she didn't completely comprehend what had just happened – she knew something wasn't right, but her view was obscured from all the saplings I didn't as of yet mow down. Then the pain hit, a dull throbbing that immediately became screaminginsanitypain. I knew I couldn't alert her to my situation because then my frined would find out, and I would never live it down back at school.

So, through my silent tears, I resumed tapping lightly at the tree, long enough to assure my frined's mom that everything was fine. Then I feigned boredom, dropped the hatchet, and found a secluded spot to furiously examine my self-lobotomy. Thank God the blade was blunt. There was minimal blood, but a real nice bruise that was obscured by my hair.

To this day I can still feel slight indentation in my head! :dopey:
iDot
02-14-2006, 04:47 PM
that's a lot of frickin words!@! i'll have to read them later, or never.
TK
02-14-2006, 04:52 PM
that's a lot of frickin words!@! i'll have to read them later, or never.

:screams:

Apparently you want short burstings of spice!!

:wigglypea:
Orgazmo
02-14-2006, 04:59 PM
:screams:

Apparently you want short burstings of spice!!

:wigglypea:

Bike race -> Parked Truck -> BAM#@! Broke teef and kneecap

Running alongside dog -> watching dog whilst running -> stone wall -> BAM!@ broken haid
SigEp316
02-14-2006, 05:06 PM
16 years old, standing on side rails of the bed of my truck with electric hedge trimmers, lost balance, cut mulitple large chunks out of hand and fingers. Sprayed horror movie blood across the top and down the windshield of said truck.

hedge trimmers > SigEp's hand and fingers

:wigglypea:
brinett9
02-14-2006, 05:19 PM
Struck yourself in the back of the head with a hatchet.

Mind-boggling.
fricker66
02-14-2006, 05:24 PM
Two fat chicks fell on me in the stands at the Notre Dame-Navy game, October 31, 1981. Torn patella tendon, torn cartilege, torn MCL, strained ACL, dislocated kneecap.

Happened in the second quarter -- I stayed until the end of the third until the beer wore off. The funniest part about it was reaching down, immediately after it happened, realizing that my kneecap was halfway down my shin and popping it back into place. I could have never done that sober.:mime:
TK
02-14-2006, 05:26 PM
Struck yourself in the back of the head with a hatchet.

Mind-boggling.

Is this play on words spice or "I'm not real surprised, considering you being retarded" spice?

Either way, :clap:
TK
02-14-2006, 05:28 PM
Two fat chicks fell on me in the stands at the Notre Dame-Navy game, October 31, 1981. Torn patella tendon, torn cartilege, torn MCL, strained ACL, dislocated kneecap.

Happened in the second quarter -- I stayed until the end of the third until the beer wore off. The funniest part about it was reaching down, immediately after it happened, realizing that my kneecap was halfway down my shin and popping it back into place. I could have never done that sober.:mime:

:shock:

:puke:
SigEp316
02-14-2006, 05:31 PM
Two fat chicks fell on me in the stands at the Notre Dame-Navy game, October 31, 1981. Torn patella tendon, torn cartilege, torn MCL, strained ACL, dislocated kneecap.

Happened in the second quarter -- I stayed until the end of the third until the beer wore off. The funniest part about it was reaching down, immediately after it happened, realizing that my kneecap was halfway down my shin and popping it back into place. I could have never done that sober.:mime:


:lol:
parrot
02-14-2006, 05:40 PM
I once fired a pop can off a kinked airhose at work. The inner tab shot back like a tiny Chinese throwing star and sliced me open right between the eyes. That was a fun one to explain to the boss. :no:
iDot
02-14-2006, 06:16 PM
:lol: i can't believe you hit yourself in the head with an axe!@! what a dumbass!@#@!# HAA HAAH!@#!@#@!:pwn3d:
TK
02-14-2006, 06:28 PM
:lol: i can't believe you hit yourself in the head with an axe!@! what a dumbass!@#@!# HAA HAAH!@#!@#@!:pwn3d:

:finger:
DITKANATE!@#$@#$@#$
02-14-2006, 06:40 PM
so, you just too big of a backswing or something? :dunno:

ALSO!@# also iDot you're not exactly in much of a position to call someone else a dumbass!@#$ :dopey: DAHHHH!@#$ R B THETT FILLAY NIFE SHURP? *runs thumb down lenght of blade, deftly slicing it open* YUP!@# EYE GEZ SEW!@#$@#$ :dopey:

:weary:
TK
02-14-2006, 06:42 PM
so, you just too big of a backswing or something? :dunno:

Yeah, I don't know what was going through my head at that moment.


OTHER THAN SOON-TO-BE HATCHET WORDS!!#@ :wigglypea:
iDot
02-14-2006, 07:07 PM
hey!@#@ i was like 3 years old at that time!@!
EMoney
02-14-2006, 07:20 PM
This was pretty recent. While in St. Louis they had a snow and ice storm. Since I'm from Alabama we don't see that too often and I thought I'd walk around in it on the streets downtown. I was turning a corner and had just put both hands in my pants pockets. A second later I slipped when walking around that street corner. I fell down face first. The only thing I could do to break my fall was to get my knees out first. I got up as quick as I could since some people saw me and I was pretty embarrassed. The guys outside the hotel looked like they were going to ask if I was ok but I wouldn't make contact and walked past them. My knees got busted up really bad and I ripped my pants on both knees. Once I got the snow off my pants I could see there was blood staining them. I went back in to the class I was taking at the hotel for as long as I could stand it. Fortunately I had a seat in the back so nobody really noticed. It sucked pretty bad. My left knee is still a bit black from the incident. :wigglypea:
Dr. Rosenpenis
02-14-2006, 07:21 PM
I took a horse shoe spike right through my hand. I was probably somewhere around 6-8 years old. My friend and I commandeered the spikes after our older brothers were done playing (they wouldn't let us play :screams:).

So we're just trying to stick them in the ground. I've got mine in but it won't stand up straight. I decide to push some dirt up against the spike to support it. As I drag my hand along the ground collecting said dirt my friend lifts his spike above his head and drives it into the ground with two hands - pinning me to the ground by my hand.

It went in between the knuckles of my middle and ring finger on my right hand. Good times.
DITKANATE!@#$@#$@#$
02-14-2006, 08:24 PM
I ripped my pants

:drool:
TK
06-26-2006, 07:08 PM
Nominated mostly for brotherspice.
BiPolarBear
06-28-2006, 03:01 PM
When I was a kid, I would go to a little shopping center up the hill from our house. On the way home it was all down hill and I would run all the stop signs and get going as fast as possible. I would cut into a driveway with a little flick of the wrist a few doors up from our house and get on the sidewalk. Then I would do a great moto-cross style slide across our front yard coming to a glorious halt.

So I make the cut this one time onto the sidewalk, and when I give the handlebars a pull, they come off in my hands. I went the short distance straight into the side of our neighbor's garage and hit it head first, over the handlebars. It knocked me out for a minute and I woke up alone piled on top of my wrecked bicycle. The frame was broken in half, and not at a weld. I got a black eye and a chipped tooth.

*************************

I chased a baby bird that was learning to fly and it went into a bush. I could see him in there and stretched out my arm to grab him. I got him!! Well actually, I grabbed a big wasp nest and got stung 14 times. It felt great.
nobody
11-02-2006, 02:12 AM
I'm sorry for the pain
kraziness
12-07-2006, 01:24 PM
TK- you sell yourself short... the thread is worth it because of your story. How in the aych eeee double hockey sticks, do you hatchet yourself in the back of the head?! :lool:


Umm, I remember riding my bike over to a friend's house once, when I was like 14. I lived at the top of a hill, he lived at the bottom. I always loved riding down, going as fast as possible, and riding "no-handed". Well, I took the turn no handed, no problem. Then, I was getting really cocky. I went to swerve real quick, just 'cause I thought it'd be cool. As soon as I moved the handle bars left-right (real quick), the bike just stopped. I went flying over the top. It's cool though, because my palms, elbow and chin were there to break my fall. I still have a scar on the under-side of my chin and on my elbow.